Bill Simmons wrote:THE JON STEWART AWARD FOR "BEST MOMENT OF ZEN"
A friend of mine sat courtside with Matt Damon in seats to the left of the Lakers' bench. During the third quarter, with Damon cheering on the Celtics in a green Celtics cap -- great job by him, by the way -- Phil Jackson barked at Damon, according to my friend, "Sit down and shut the f--- up." After getting texted that story, I spent the rest of the game rooting for a Boston comeback win, followed by Damon pulling a Will Hunting and asking Jackson, "Hey, Phil, do you like apples? (PAUSE) Well how 'bout them apples!!!!" Didn't happen.

Bill Simmons wrote:THE ROMAN-POLANSKI-IS-A-STATUTORY-RAPIST AWARD FOR "THIS WEEK'S REASON WHY WE SHOULD HATE THE FRENCH"
We were sitting behind the Lakers bench for Game 5, so please believe me on this one: In the fourth quarter, with the Celtics shooting on L.A.'s basket, Ronnie Turiaf was throwing a towel up in the air every time a Celtic was about to release a free throw. Talk about dirty pool. Isn't that a technical? Speaking of Turiaf ...

THE DAMIEN AWARD FOR "BEST OMEN"
Phil from Burlington, Mass., explains: "In the second quarter, did you see how Turiaf fell, got called for a charge and none of his teammates helped him up? They all walked away. That would never happen to the Celts, and that is why they are going to win. That is the best example of the difference between the two teams."

(Well, that and this: No Celtic would ever bitch out a teammate on the court like Bryant bitched out Gasol after the big Spainard failed to catch his 130-mph, no-look pass in the first half of Game 5. How can Lakers fans continue to defend such petulant behavior? You got me. But, hey, he must be a good guy because he can do news conferences while holding both of his kids. I have to admit, I'm a little Kobe'd out. Even politicians handle their public image less transparently -- we're almost to the point that Kobe's PR team is going to stage a fake fire in the Hollywood Hills and have Kobe "randomly" drive by the house, then run in to "save" three kids.)

Bill Simmons wrote:THE ACE AND GARY AWARD FOR "THE MOST HOMOEROTIC MOMENT OF THE FINALS THAT DIDN'T INCLUDE ONE OF JAMES POSEY'S MAN-HUGS"
At halftime of Game 5, the Lakers brought out an act called Duo Design. What's Duo Design, you ask? Two guys named Jarek and Darek. Not enough info for you? Well, Jarek and Darek are shirtless contortionists with shaved heads who balance off one another and lift each other up in a variety of creepy, slow-motion, temple-pounding poses as the music from the "Rocky IV" training sequence blares in the background. (Note: I can't speak for the residual damage here, because it's not known yet, but there's a chance I will watch "Rocky IV" for the rest of my life thinking about these two bald, shirtless guys rolling around on each other. I really hope that doesn't happen.) As my dad joked while Darek was doing a handstand on Jarek's groin, "Now here's a halftime act that would NEVER fly in Boston."